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1. Never start a trio with a married couple. 2. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her. 3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary. 4. No one cares who you've opened for. 5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important". 6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up. (actually, the bass players probably realized it was time to move on) 7. When you talk on stage you are never funny. 8. If you sound like another band, don't act like your unfamiliar with their music ("Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?") 9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. 10. Dont say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network. 11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "guaranteed 3 record deal". 12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go. 13. Never name a song after your band. 14. Never name your band after a song. 15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY. 16. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser. 17. Scary word pairings :"rock opera", "white rapper", blues jam", "swing band", and "open mike". 18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both. 19. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it's rock n roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows. 20. It's not a "showcase" Its a gig that doesn't pay. 21. No one cares that you have a web site. 22. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet. 23. Don't hire a publicist. 24. Playing in San Marcos & Alpine doesnt mean your on tour. 25. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band. 26. Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs? 27. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. Thats what girlfriends are for. 28. If you use a smoke machine your music sucks. Ditto a light show. 29. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas. 30. Remember, if blues solo's are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them? 31. If you ever take a bad publicicty photo, destroy it. Otherwise you may never know where it will turn up. 32. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head. 33. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow. 34. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat. 35. Rock oxymorons; "major label interest", "demo deal", "blues genius", "$500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit". 36. 3 things that are never coming back: gongs, headbands, and playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.
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Entered on: 06/07/1999
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