THE TEN BEST TOOLS OF ALL TIME

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THE TEN BEST TOOLS OF ALL TIME


Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need it. 
Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix 
any car, any place, any time.

1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in 
stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator 
hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one 
easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct 
tape in concourse competitions, but in the real world everything 
from Le Mans - winning Porsches to Atlas rockets uses it by the 
yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a 
quarter and a phone booth.

2. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling 
wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls 
off tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the 
only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.

3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new 
doors, alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig 
phlegm. Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts 
of the Andrea Doria to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an 
integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube that 
flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed, one of the 
ten worst tools of all time.

4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your time under 
the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle 
valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because 
you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable 
oil replicas, just so they can use the empty tubs for parts 
containers afterward. (Some, of course, chuck the butter-colored 
goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air 
cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a 
time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.

5. Big Rock At The Side Of The Road: Block up a tire. Smack corroded 
battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosy know-it-all types on 
the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the 
raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool 
with which a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the 
user's maiming.

6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses 
and wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked 
up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform 
a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of 
the Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a wiring 
harness. Of course, it works both ways. When buying used cars, 
subtract $100.00 for each zip tie under the hood.

7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime Guarantee: 
Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, 
lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed 
screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. 
This is also the tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located 
they can only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the 
other. If you break the screwdriver - and you will, just like Dad 
or your shop teacher said - who cares? It's guaranteed.

8. Bailing Wire: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing wire 
holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's 
not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well 
you'll never replace it with the right thing again. Bailing wire 
is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with MG, 
Triumph, and flathead Ford set.

9. Bonking Stick: - This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly 
pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod- end separator, but 
how often do you separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if you're 
lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose 
application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed 
screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen 
exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also 
be used to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a 
lousy job of it).

10. A Quarter and a Phone Booth: See #1 above.


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