Homer Simpson Speaks...

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Homer Simpson Speaks...


Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not
whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.
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Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or
the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when
they bark, they shoot bees at you?
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Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably.
The lesson is, never try.
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It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled
child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of
TV a day.
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Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal
again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa.
A wonderful... magical animal.
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Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the
Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?
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Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out
something old! Remember that time I took a home
wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
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Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer
kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that...
building...thingie... where our beds and TV... is.
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Operator! Give me the number for 911!
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Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with
the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
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Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why
you're here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here.
(step step step step step...slam)
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Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you,
but let's get through this thing and then I can continue
killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!
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Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw
you a picture?
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Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they
smell good, and
you'd step over your own mother just to get
one! (chugs beer)
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Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible
curse.
Homer: Ooo, that's bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...
Homer: (confused look)
Old man: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
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Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say
you're prejudiced against all races.
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Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!
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Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police
academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that
movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and
disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.
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Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.
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Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
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Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...
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(praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As
an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you
wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign
whatsoever... thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch).
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What's the point of going out? We're just going to
wind up back here anyway.


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