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Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 7" paper, 99 copies. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." Practice making fax and modem noises. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." Staple papers in the middle of the page. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE. type only in lowercase. don t use any punctuation either Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." As much as possible, skip rather than walk. Ask people what gender they are. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Sing along at the opera. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." Send this list to everyone in your email address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this.
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Entered on: 05/28/1999
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