Define your politics

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Define your politics


FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and 
puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all
the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes 
them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared 
for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the
government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as
much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to
take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care
of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them,
but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots
you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines 
you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and 
drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets 
the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick
someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if
you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for
speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains 
and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates 
what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not 
to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and
pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms
accounting for the missing cows.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price
or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them 
to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a
tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are
transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands 
company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the 
rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual 
report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on 
one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is 
bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from
milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and
denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of
"ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering,
intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to
society) bovines of nonspecified gender.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.


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