My Report by Ken Starr

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My Report by Ken Starr


Dear Congress, 

Did you ever hate a guy so much you wanted to impeach his fuckin' ass
the moment he was born? 

Hi, I'm Ken Starr, and this is my report about how you can do just that,
albeit belatedly. 

In this so-called "report," I am going to tell you a story about all the
slimy and wretched and horrible and mean and ugly things that that man,
Mister Clinton, has done to you and me and to, of course, our poor
starving, violent, mass-murdering, scumbag children. 

First of all, this Clinton guy's, like, ALWAYS on acid. Always! The
first thing he does when he gets up in the morning to go to work for the
American people, is he licks some blotter paper or something, and goes
sailing off on some trip. If you know what I mean. 

So, like, what kind of example is that for our President to set for our
poor miserable fucked-up vicious children -- who, as everybody knows,
should be doing fresh peyote buttons every morning, NOT acid. 

Second of all, Clinton, being one of those fucking 60's hippies, is,
like, always humming Inna Gadda Da Vida, and sometimes even stops right
in the middle of a state of the Union address to suddenly accompany
himself on air guitar or, you know, air organ. 

This is another bad moral example to set for our tragic, hopeless,
pathetic children, since guitar-based rock 'n roll is, like, just soooo
OVER, and they should be playing, like, air accordion or air ocarina --
NOT air guitar -- and they should be humming songs by, like, Fudge
Tunnel -- NOT by, like, Iron Butterfly. 

Third of all, because he is a mass murdering Charles Manson 60's hippie,
when you go to visit him in his oval office, there's always, like,
incense burning and herbal tea brewing and Ravi Shankar or George
Harrison playing ragas in the background, and he's always wearing like
bell bottoms and paisley shirts, and saying, Oh wow, and when you walk
in, he shakes your hand and sticks a big fat joint in your mouth and
forces you to toke it all down, before he'll even listen to the details
of your so-called "appropriation" bill. 

This is also a bad example to set for our moronic children and also for
our high-energy physicists -- for reasons that are just too filthy and
obscene to talk about here. 

Forth, because he is a sex maniac, he is always getting blow jobs while
important international dignitaries are left twiddling their thumbs out
in the oval office waiting room, and he has even had the FBI and CIA and
DEA and ATF and the Mafia, build a compact wireless device he can stick
in his pants so he can get constant blowjobs while sitting in church on
Sunday listening to some sanctimonious hypocritical sermon about how if
you're humming Inna Gadda Da Vida while getting a CIA high-tech blowjob
in Church on Sunday, then you should definitely be impeached up the
wazoo. 

Case closed. 

Thank you very much, fellow scuzzbuckets, and I hope you like my report.

Sincerely, 

Kenneth W. Starr 

PS: In the interest of full disclosure I must admit that all the
"motherfucker"s and "fucking"s and "shitbag"s and "slimebucket"s and
"whatever"s and "you know"s in this report have been supplied by the
crack editorial team at the Washington Pissed -- and they are also
available for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.


The report online

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