What Bill should have said:

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What Bill should have said:


My fellow Americans, I have just spent six hours doing a very
difficult, almost impossible thing - explaining sex to Ken Starr. 
I have answered all of his questions. Now I have one of my own.

Did this really happen?

Did I really work my ass off my whole life to become leader of the
free world only to be lashed to the stake of adultery by a grand
inquisitor who nobody ever voted for?

I balanced the budget.

I preside over an unimpeachable era of peace and prosperity, but
then you want to take me down for fibbing about diddling an intern
in a thrown-out civil case by a woman whose gripe was she saw my
weeny in the disco era?

Are you people kidding me?

And now you want an apology?

I don't think so.

But I'll tell you what I am sorry about - I'm sorry that for the
service I do around here 24-7, the tail I did manage to get wasn't
better.

I ain't Marv Albert over here, all right?

And while we're at it, let's cut out this crap about this not being
about sex.

If I hear that one more time, there's going to be a stain on
somebody's clothes and it's gonna be blood.

Look, I'm sorry Ken Starr can't get laid.

I'm sorry wives don't like giving oral sex.

I'm sorry I'm a flesh-and-blood human being in need of some
affection and release in what some might consider a high-stress job.

And by the way, next time one of our embassies explodes or the Asian
markets need a little hand-holding, remember who thought it was more
important that I spend my time telling a jury about my penis.

Oh, I forgot, it's not about sex.

Yeah, right, it's about lying.

Well, grow up.

People lie about sex.

And nobody else in the world lapses into a police state over it. Of
course if you empower a special persecutor to stray into sexual
behavior, you will create perjury crimes.

But come on, what guy hasn't lied about doing a fat chick?

If that makes me a criminal, take me away right now.

But I also go as a victim of treason, because what else is it when
an unconstitutional fourth branch of government conspires by endless
legal harassment to overthrow a President twice elected by the
people, the real and only source of political legitimacy?

And so, as I go off to prison, I thank the people for the 70%
approval rating.

And to those many others who feel their curiosity about my personal
life has blossomed into a right, who feel that the fate of the
Republic is so dependent on me fessing up, let me, as a final
gesture of grace, give you what you want.

You want the truth?

You want to know what I really think?

Well, here it is.

The bitch gives great fucking head.

Thank you and goodnight.


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