GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

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GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE


God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order
to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to 
answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses 
will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose 
your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments 
or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?
   __ Newspaper          __ Other Book
   __ Television         __ Divine Inspiration
   __ Word of mouth      __ Near Death Experience
   __ Tabloid            __ Burning Shrubbery
   __ Bible              __ Other (specify): _____________
   __ Torah

2. Which model God did you acquire?
   __ Yoweh              __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet
   __ Jehova             __ Jesus
   __ Alah               __ Satan
   __ God                __ G-d
   __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
   order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
   __ Yes                        __ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:
   __________________________________________

4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god?
   Please check all that apply.
   __ Indoctrinated by parents
   __ Indoctrinated by society
   __ Needed a reason to live
   __ Needed focus in who to despise
   __ Imaginary friend grew up
   __ Hate to think for myself
   __ Fear of death
   __ Wanted to meet girls/boys
   __ Wanted to piss off parents
   __ Needed a day away from work
   __ Desperate need for certainty
   __ Like Organ Music
   __ Need to feel Morally Superior
   __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a God before?
   __ Yes                        __ No

If Yes, which false god were you fooled by?  Please check all that apply.
   __ Odin                       __ Cthulhu
   __ Zeus                       __ The Almighty Dollar
   __ Appolo                     __ Left Wing Liberalism
   __ Ra                         __ Barney T.B.P.D.
   __ The great Spirit           __ The Great Pumpkin
   __ The Sun                    __ Bill Clinton
   __ The Moon                   __ A burning cabbage
   __ The Bomb                   __ Other: ________________
 
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
   to God?  Please check all that apply.
   __ Tarot                        __ Lottery
   __ Astrology                    __ Television
   __ Fortune cookies              __ Ann Landers
   __ Psychic Friends Network      __ Dianetics
   __ Palmistry                    __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
   __ Self-help books              __ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
   __ Biorythms                    __ Bill Clinton
   __ Tea Leaves                   __ ESP
   __ Mantras                      __ Jimmy Swaggert
   __ Crystals                     __ Human Sacrifice
   __ Pyramids                     __ Wandering around a desert
   __ Insurance policies           __ Burning Shrubbery
   __ Barney T.B.P.D.              __ Other: _______________
   __ Barney Fife                  __ None

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the
   balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you
   prefer (circle one)?
   a. More Divine Intervention
   b. Less Divine Intervention
   c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
   d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
   miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the
   following
   (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

   a. Disasters
      flood                           1   2   3   4   5
      famine                          1   2   3   4   5
      earthquake                      1   2   3   4   5
      war                             1   2   3   4   5
      pestilence                      1   2   3   4   5
      plague                          1   2   3   4   5
      SPAM                            1   2   3   4   5
      AOL                             1   2   3   4   5

   b. Miracles
      rescues                         1   2   3   4   5
      spontaneous remissions          1   2   3   4   5
      stars hovering over towns       1   2   3   4   5
      crying statues                  1   2   3   4   5
      water changing to wine          1   2   3   4   5
      walking on water (other         1   2   3   4   5
          than the Hudson)
      talking flaming shrubbery       1   2   3   4   5
      VCRs that set their own         1   2   3   4   5
          clocks
      Sadam Hussein still alive       1   2   3   4   5
      Cubs winning the Series         1   2   3   4   5
      Clinton's re-election           1   2   3   4   5

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving
   the quality of God's services?  (Attach an additional sheet if
   necessary):


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