"You're an..." or "Plan to relieve frustration"

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"You're an..." or "Plan to relieve frustration"


For when you are having a bad, day, week, month, etc. "722-4822" 
    by Patrick Hanifin


Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone 
call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered 
nicely saying, "Hello???" 

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to
Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't
believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct
number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there
on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more
answered, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Asshole," and put it in my
desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell,
"You're an asshole!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This
was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling
the asshole.

Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice,
"Hello???" I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the telephone
company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller
ID program?"

He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and
said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you
show if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something
about it.  Just dial 722-4822.

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the
parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her
car began to  move and she started to very slowly back out of the
stall. I  backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull
out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking aisle in
the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn
and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"  The
guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward
the mall as if he didn't even hear me.

I thought to myself, this guy's an asshole, there's sure a lot of
assholes in this world. I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back
window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another
place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just
gotten off the phone after calling 722-4822 and yelling, "You're an
asshole!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on
speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro
lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I
said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?""Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the,
car's parked right out front.I said, "What's your name?""My name is
Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?""I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?""Yes."

"Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung
up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.

For awhile, things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a
problem I had two assholes to call. Then after several months ofcalling
the assholes and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem
like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave
the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Asshole #1. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello."

I yelled "You're an asshole!" But I didn't hang up.
The asshole said, "Are you still there?"I said, "Yeah.."
He said, "Stop calling me."I said, "No." He said, "What's your name,
Pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen." "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's
parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Asshole!" and I hung up. 

Then I called Asshole #2.He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Asshole!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are...""You'll what?""I'll kick
your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Asshole!" And
I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big
gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I
climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the
whole thing.

I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree
half a block from Asshole #2's house. There were two guys fighting
outfront.

Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter.
The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.
It was a nice way to break the boring cycle I had gotten myself into.


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