ER

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ER


Just a few stories from our nations Emergency
Rooms to prove that fact is stranger than fiction. 
     
A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an 
attempted suicide.  The man had swallowed several 
nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka.  When asked 
about the bruises about his head and chest he said 
that they were from him ramming himself into
the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin 
explode.
     
A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a 
complaint of mild abdominal pain.  During a pelvic 
exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a 
whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and then 
safety-pinned her labia shut.  Unable to have children 
she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a 
baby.
     
 - A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on 
himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. 
The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans 
genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good 
condition.  The police were dispatched to the man's 
house and the search was on.  During the search one
of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the 
man's poodle that was sitting in the corner.  After a 
brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man's 
jewels from the dog's mouth.  After inspection of the 
parts by the urologist it was decided that the man 
would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you 
know what I mean)  The officer was given a 
commendation from his precinct for medical  
assistance.
     
A woman with shortness on breath and who
weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the
ER on a tarp by six firemen.  While trying to undress 
the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds 
under her arm.  After an X-ray showed a round mass
on the left side of her chest her massive left breast 
was lifted to find a shiny new dime.  And last but not 
least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was 
discovered in one of the folds of her crotch.  She 
became known as "The Human Couch".
     
A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a 
car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in 
the process of giving birth.  Wanting to tell the woman 
to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this 
the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father 
had to be restrained.  What the doctor should have 
been saying was "Puja!" (Push!)  Instead he was 
saying  "Whore! Whore! Whore!"
     
A 40-year old man and his wife were playing with 
some vegetables when a cucumber became lodged
in his rectum.  Unable to get it out on his own he 
showed up at the ER for some assistance.  All he
was given was some pain pills and KY jelly and told to 
wait  and he would eventually poop it out.  On his way 
out one of the  nurses yelled "Come on back this 
afternoon.  Were having a Butt-luck supper".  (How 
embarrassing is that!)
     
An unconscious6-year old male was brought to the 
ER with cocaine induced seizures.  As a nurse pulled 
back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube passed 
through the urethra and into the  bladder) a neatly
folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. 
When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the
nurse gave him  back his belongings and told him 
where she had found the money. His  response: "It 
was a fifty, bitch!"
     
An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I 
got the green vines in my virginny" (Interesting).  A 
pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed, have a six 
inch vine growing out of her vagina.  Further 
inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal 
 vault.  It was easily removed and looked very much 
like a potato.  It was, indeed, a potato.  The patient 
said that her uterus was falling out and that
she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot 
about it.
     
The most nonemergent ER visit:  A male adolescent
came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint. 
     
A young female came to the ER with lower 
abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the
female denied being sexually active.  The doctor gave 
her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back  
positive.  The doctor went back to the young female's 
room.
     
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came 
back positive.  Are you sure you're not sexually 
active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there." 
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?" 
Patient: "No. Who?"
     
A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at 
home and was rushed to the hospital.  After about 
thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts 
the old lady was pronounced dead.  The doctor  went
to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother 
didn't  make it.  "Didn't make it?  Where could they 
be?  She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" 
     
A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his 
mother sitting next to him.  The boy was coming down 
from "crank"  (methamphetamine) that he had
injected into his veins with  needles he had been 
sharing with his friends.  Concerned about this the 
doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might 
have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS.  The 
boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've 
been fucking the dog?"
     
A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the 
ER.  She said that she and her boyfriend were having 
sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to
retrieve it with her fingers.  I went to the bathroom and 
"gagged" myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up 
either."


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