Chili Contest

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Chili Contest


Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous
Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because
no one else wanted to do it.  Also the original personal called in
sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. 
I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during
the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you
endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored
by all.  Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1:  Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato.  Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO:. Nice, smooth tomato flavor  Very mild.
CAMERON:  Holy smokes, what is this stuff?  You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it.  Took me two beers to put the flames out.  
Hope that's the worst one.  These people are crazy.

Chili # 2:  Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE:  Smoky (barbecue?)  with a hint of pork.  Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO:  Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
CAMERON:  Keep this out of reach of children!  I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted 
to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  Shoved my way to the front of the beer 
line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. 
She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under 
her eye started to twitch.  She has arms like Popeye and a face like 
Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3:  Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE:  Excellent firehouse chili!  Great kick.  Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO:  A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON:  This has got to be a joke.  Call the EPA, I've located a 
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano.  Everyone 
knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the 
beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the 
front part of my chest.  She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably 
behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili # 4:  Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE:  Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO:  A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON:  I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to 
taste it.  Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't 
have to dash over to see her.  When she winked at me her snake sort of 
coiled and uncoiled--it's kinda cute.

Chili # 5:  Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE:  Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick.  Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO:  Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON:  My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched
and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved 
my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.  Sort of 
irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6:  Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE:  Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of 
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO:  The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
CAMERON:  My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous 
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked 
if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7:  Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE:  A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO:  Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers 
at the last moment. I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge 
Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
CAMERON:  You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and 
I wouldn't feel it.  I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds 
like it is made of rushing water.  My clothes are covered with chili which 
slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point.  Good, at autopsy they'll 
know what killed me.  Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late.  Tell 
our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them.  I've decided to 
stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. 
If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach.  Call 
the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8:  Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE:  This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and 
pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO:  A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, 
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
CAMERON:  Momma?


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