Computer Professional's Words of Wisdom
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Computer Professional's Words of Wisdom
A co-worker asked me to gather some "real" people for a textbook about
MS Office he's developing. He needs a picture of the "real" person and
a quote about how he/she uses computer at work. WARNING: some of these
are "in" jokes.
Here's the ad:
Do you want to have your picture in a college textbook and get free
advertising for your company to boot? Then contact Richard at
Course Technology (richard_XXXXXXX@course.com).
What we are looking for: people who use a computer in the workplace
What we need, a photo of you in your workplace doing something
business-like AS WELL AS a one or two sentence description of how the
computer helps you do it AND a one sentence description of your
company. Your picture, job description, and company information
will appear as the first page in a chapter of college textbook.
Here are some of the quotes we came up with:
"I'd lose my dick if it wasn't attached to me.
The computer helps me remember stuff."
"Good porno, great porno!"
"With true multitasking, I can write my resume
and a report for my boss at the same time!"
"I like OLE, because I like spanish. And I
like Antonio Banderas"
"Microsoft Office? What's that?"
"I spent two years learning the intimate
details of desktop applications only to
scrap all that knowledge and surf the net for
the big-bucks. Don't waste your time, kid."
"I'm good at computers, but I don't know what
that button does."
"I learned how to hold my pee for over 10
hours straight, until it burned."
"Im so advanced I can download 3 doom wads AT
THE SAME TIME"
"Being connected to the net gives me a weath
of knowledge at my fingertips, like
Antonio Bandaras, cheese, and subarus."
"Did your mother ever tell you not to sit so
close to the TV? Since working with computers,
I can now watch several hours of TV with
the screen no more than 12 in away from my
face. Its like watching the big screen, so
screw you mom!"
"Computers have made me much more productive.
I mean, look at email? I no longer have to
talk to anyone at work. In fact, I havent
spoken a word to anyone in the office in 5
days"
"I spent 80,000 and 4 years of my life
working toward a B.A., while everything I
needed to know I learned sucking on a cathode
ray nipple sitting unshaven and in my
underwear after 1AM."
"I can attribute my success to working as a
QA tester at CTI.... NOT."
And my personal favorite:
"My secret of success is always have your hand
on the ALT-TAB"
"The key to maximizing your productivity on
computers is to always have Netscape running
in the background. That way when you have a
few seconds of down-time (i.e. you are waiting
for someone to run off photocopies, a program
is opening, or the white-out is drying) you
can click a link."
"PLANING, PLANING, PLANING. I cannot stress
this enough. Prepare the night before, your
goals for the next day and how to achieve them
in a detailed and orderly manner. That way
you will know at all times exactly what demo
needs to be downloaded next."
"Learn a scripting language so that you can
write a program which will not only automatically
open up netscape when start windows, but will
also continue where it left off downloading
each game in succession from HappyPuppy."
"Two words...One Must Fall...wait a second..."
"When a program crashes on someone elses
computer, I like to go over and click
the details button and then say, "Oh, that's
a problem, you should get that checked out."
and then quickly walk away."
"I have a rather large collection of boot
sector viruses, I like to store them on other
peoples machines..."
"I think that computers are most useful when
programs are written that do the exact
opposite of what they're supposed to. Like
file backup programs that just delete the
files its supposed to backup , and memory
resident virus protection programs, that
infect your machine with a new virus each day."
Happy Puppy
----- End NetScrap(TM) -----
Entered on: 03/18/1998
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