More witty things

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More witty things


I worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked me, 
'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?'

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere 
near the place.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full 
house and four people died.

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great 
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if 
i'm leaving.

When I was a kid, we had a quick-sand box in the backyard. I was an 
only child...eventually.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.  So I had to buy 
them again.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.  I put them in 
the same room and let them fight it out.

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once 
in a while I turn it on and off.  One day I got a call from a woman in 
France who said "Cut it out!"

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.  Now it looks 
like I'm the only one moving.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music.  Every time I hear a new song 
on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  Now 
when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer & 
farther, trying to see it clearly).... and says, "Here, you can go."

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything 
specific.

I turned my air condition the other way around,and it got cold out.  
The weatherman said, "I don't understand it.  It was supposed to be 80 
degrees out today."  I said "Oops..."

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of 
cats on them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I spilled Spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.

My neighbor has a circular driveway.  He can't get out.

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

I have an answering machine in my car.  It says, "I'm home now, but 
leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road.  I don't know how I got 
there.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I 
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go.  
You'll just be walking down the street and.................oohh, 
that's much better.

I have a hobby.  I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.  
I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.  Maybe you've seen 
some of it.

I Xeroxed a mirror.  Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.


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