GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

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GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA  DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:


Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in L.A., you may
not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has
now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los
Angeles Metropolitan Area.



    Name:______________ Stage name: ________________

    Agent:  ______________  Attorney:  __________________

    Sex: ___ male ____ female _____ formerly male_______

    formerly female __________ both ___________

    If female, indicate breast implant size:  ____

   Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely
   operate a motor vehicle in any way?  Yes___  No ___

   Occupation:
    [  ]  Lawyer
    [  ]  Actor/Waiter
    [  ]  Film-maker/Self-employed
    [  ]  Writer
    [  ]  Car Dealer
    [  ]  Pan-handler
    [  ]  Agent
    [  ]  Hooker/Transvestite
    [  ]  Other; please explain: ______________

   Please indicate how many times you expect to have sex in a car:

   Please indicate how much you plan to spend for this sex.


   Please list:
   Brand of cell phone:  __________. (If you don't own a cell
   phone, please explain.)

   Please check haircolor:
   Females: [  ] Blonde [  ] Platinum  Blonde
   Teenagers: [  ] Purple [  ] Blue [  ] Skinhead
   Men: Please list shade of hairplugs.

  Please check activities you perform while driving:  (Check all
  that apply)
    [  ] Eating a wrap
    [  ] Applying make-up
    [  ] Talking on the phone
    [  ] Slapping kids in the backseat
    [  ] Having sex
    [  ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
    [  ] Tanning
    [  ] Snorting cocaine
    [  ] Watching TV
    [  ] Reading Variety
    [  ] Surfing the net via laptop


   Please indicate how many times:
    a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, and


    b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving.



    If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
    a) Call the police to report the crime;
    b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car
       on the news on a high-speed chase;
    c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular
       phone company for 911 call not going through;
    d) Call your therapist;
    d) None of the above (South Central resident).


   Please indicate if you drive:
    a) a Beamer,
    b) a Lexus,
    c) a Mercedes, or
    d) Cabriolet.
    If your answer is D, please add six to eight
    weeks to normal delivery time for your driver's license.


   In the event of an earthquake, should you:
    a) stop your car,
    b) keep driving and hope for the best,
    c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or
    d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4?


  In the instance of rain, you should:
   a) never drive over 5 MPH,
   b) drive twice as fast as usual, or
   c) you're not sure what "rain" is.


    Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week:  ____.


    Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
    a) Prozac;
    b) Zovirax;
    c) Lithium;
    d) Zanax.

    If none, please explain:  __________________.


   Length of daily commute:
    a) 1 hour;
    b) 2 hours;
    c) 3 hours;
    d) 4 hours or more.


   When stopped by police, should you
    a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form
       ready,
    b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
    c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack,
       thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?


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