Good Will Hunting thrusts South Boston's geniuses into public eye

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Good Will Hunting thrusts South Boston's geniuses into public eye


Inside O'Malley's Tavern in South Boston, a group of men huddle 
over pints of Guinness at a  back table. Their conversation is 
fast-paced and genial. "What a fuckin' hard day." "I'll drink to 
that!" "Not the Platonic ideal of a day, I'll tell you that right 
now for fuckin' free!" The bartender calls out from behind the 
bar: "Hey Jimmy, settle a bet for me -- what's the vaporization 
point of mercury?" "What, are you some kind of asshole?" comes 
the reply from  one of the men at the table. "It's 356.9 degrees 
Celsius! Now shut up and get me another beer!" 

These are Southie geniuses, and they are tired. 

Historically, few have taken notice of South Boston's unusually large 
genius population.  To this notoriously private and antisocial 
group, that has always been just as well.  However, with the release 
of "Good Will Hunting" late last year, Southie's best and brightest 
citizens have found themselves uncomfortably thrust into public view. 
Since the film's release, virtually every major corporation and think 
tank has sent recruiters to scour South Boston for talent. Day and 
night, black sedans cruise the streets looking for geniuses, their 
drivers barking out Mensa mind teasers to passersby. Other companies 
have set up local offices to give them easy access to potential 
Southie consultants. 

The Rand Corporation, for example, now has a branch office above 
Sam E's Discount Variety and Liquor, and the Research Triangle 
Institute installed a special phone line that goes directly to 
the billiards room at O'Malley's. 

One South Boston genius, who spoke under condition of anonymity, 
bemoaned the plight of the Southie savant. "We used to be able to 
keep to ourselves, y'know? Just a quiet life of work, reading, maybe 
going down to the pub to partake in some Hegelian dialectic over a 
Black and Tan -- it was all we wanted. But then, thanks to that fuckin'
movie, every asshole who needed the four-color map problem solved 
started bangin' on my front door. 

"I moved to a new place and unlisted my phone number, but I still 
get people coming by every once in a while, askin' if I know anyone 
who can solve a fourth-order differential equation in his head, or 
whatever. Nowadays, I just fuckin' punch 'em in the nose if they
ask me shit like that. "If I ever meet Matt Damon," he concluded, 
"I'll break his fuckin' kneecaps with a pool cue." 

Brian Toolan, a member of the "J-niuses," a super-intelligent street 
gang based off of J Street, is upset not only at the attention "Good 
Will Hunting" has brought to his neighborhood, but to the character 
of Will Hunting himself. 

"I mean, he's a total stereotype of the typical Southie genius," 
Toolan told the Weekly Week as he lit up a Parliament. "Okay, so 
he was abused as a kid. I mean, who wasn't? And we've all dealt with 
the tragic death of one or more siblings. But we don't all deal with
it by turning into violent assholes. 

"Sure, I do," continued Toolan. "But others just quietly drink, or 
turn to hobbies, or whatever. And the idea that you can't have a good 
life unless you leave South Boston -- that's bullshit! My family's 
been Southie geniuses for four generations -- my great-great-uncle, 
Jimmy Toolan, came up with Schroedinger's equation. 

"'Course, it was called Fat Jimmy's equation in those days," he 
added. 

Sally O'Flannery is another South Boston resident who, while not 
herself a genius, is upset by recent developments in her 
neighborhood. 

"We had a nice fella named Sean around the corner who helped me 
calculate exactly how much paint I needed to repaint my dining room 
using only a ruler and a piece of string, and last spring he helped 
my son Greg genetically crossbreed a new strain of wheat for the
school science fair. He also helped us get free cable. 

"Now, though, I haven't seen poor Sean in weeks -- there's government 
think-tank types wandering all over the neighborhood, bringing him 
job offers, makin' a racket at all hours of the day and night." 

Sighs O'Flannery, "I just wish that movie had never come out."


From The Weekly Week

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