Rules for cats who have a house to run.

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Rules for cats who have a house to run.


I.  DOORS:  Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door 
opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.  Once door 
is opened, it is not necessary to use it.  After you have 
ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and 
think about several things.  This is particularly important during 
very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.  Swinging doors 
are to be avoided at all costs.

II.  CHAIRS AND RUGS:  If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. 
If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.  If there is 
no Oriental rug, shag is good.  When throwing up on the carpet, make 
sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

III.  BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom.  It is 
not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

IV.  HAMPERING:  If one of your humans is engaged in some close 
activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one.  This is 
called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering".  Following are the 
rules for "hampering":
   a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the 
      cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of 
      being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
   b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes 
      and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
   c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the 
      most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work 
      or at least the most important part.  Pretend to doze, but 
      every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting 
      needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, 
      the aim is to hamper work.  Embroidery and needlepoint projects
      make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
   d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income 
      taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the 
      aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. 
      When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.  
      When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, 
      scattering them to the best of your ability.  After being 
      removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers 
      off the table, one at a time.
   e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be 
      sure to jump on the back of the paper.  They love to jump.

V.  WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as 
possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they 
have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up 
in the morning.  This will help their coordination skills.

VI.  BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot 
move around.


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