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Even More Quotes
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. - Red Buttons I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could've gone to UCLA here in California, but it's one more letter she'd have to remember. - Sheckly Greene A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. - Fred Allen A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals. - Ronnie Corbett They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning. - Billie Holliday I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name" - Mike Binder Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. - Stephen Leacock I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. - Ed Bluestone Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. - Steve Bluestone Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box. - Wil Shriner Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron. - George Carlin You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneris I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. - Carol Leifer I wold love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business. - Shelley Berman Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. - Billiam Coronel I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. - Dave Edison If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers? - Calvin Trillin Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's like having a little pet for your face. - Anita Wise I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" - Jay Leno Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. - Johnny Carson Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. - Will Rogers Never moon a werewolf. - Mike Binder If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel To do is to be. -Descartes To be is to do. -Voltaire Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona. "If only all the hands that reach could touch......" - Mary A. Loberg
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Entered on: 03/17/1998
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