Ways to annoy the person sitting next to you on a flight

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Ways to annoy the person sitting next to you on a flight


1. Find common interests.  Ask, "Are you in the Witness Protection
Program too?"

2. Tell your fellow passenger that you just heard the bathrooms
were out-of-order. Then pause and say, "Did you know that peanuts are
a natural diuretic?"  Smile.

3. Call the stewardess "nurse".

4. Sport a kamikaze helmet and goggles.  Speak in a low voice into a
hand held tape recorder: "Today's date, December 7th, 94.  I was not 
able to command my own personal plane but success shall still be 
ours...."

5. Yell out, "John Lithgow is on the wing!"

6. Speak in Spelling Bee-eese: "Hello.  H-e-l-l-o.  Hello.  Nice 
weather we're having isn't it?  Weather.  W-e-a-t-h-e-r.  Weather."

7. Start singing the Shari Lewis theme, "This is the song that never
ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing
it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever 
just because, this is the song that never ends...."  Suddenly realize 
that you can never stop singing.  Become very panicky.  Scrawl 
"Help me" on a piece of paper and hand it to the person sitting 
next to you.  Claw at your throat and thrash around in the seat.  
Never stop singing.

8. Continually offer to share your "Beano".

9. Decorate.  Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a "Home
Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your
fellow passengers in for tea.

10. Suddenly remember that you left your iron on. Ask if the pilot
would mind going back so you can check.

11. Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on your
lap. Stare into the palm of your hand.  Wait. Push the return key a few
times.  Yell out "Yes!  Alright!  I told them I didn't need a laptop!"
Plug the headphones into your nostril and play DOOM.

12. Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam
balls,  construction paper, etc.  Organize a "Kraft Korner".  Make a
craft likeness of the person sitting next to you.  Give yourself an
"F".

13. Say, "Did you know every time a plane crashes, an angel
gets its wings?"  Then sigh and stare dreamily into the clouds.

14. Snap Polaroids of him or her.  Pull out an empty photo album and
arrange the pictures inside it.  Tuck the album under your jacket and
say, "You know, in some cultures they believe that when you take a 
person's photograph...you own their soul...," while smiling 
maniacally.

15. Bring a cellular phone.  Call God.  Say, "The reception is much
clearer up here...."

16. Speak in an incredibly fake Australian accent.  Call the
person "mate". Tell them you're not used to seeing the sky, since 
you are from "Down Under".  Keep repeating quotes from "Crocodile 
Dundee," such as "That's not a knife!  That's a knife!", until 
they are forced to yell at you that you are not Australian. Call 
them prejudiced.

17. Bring a "Word-a-Day" calendar on board with you.  Read every
single word aloud and attempt to use it in a sentence.  Use them all
incorrectly. "?My, you have a very irate home,' she said governessly."

18. Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and
exclaim, "Thank God for auto-pilot, eh?"


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