Steven Wright Quotes

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Steven Wright Quotes


One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite 
dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire 
planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What 
for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I  
melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they 
can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me 
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was 
putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave 
a message and I'll call when I'm out."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you 
see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. 

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? 

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing 
in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I 
said, "the whole time."

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?


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