How To Stay Stressed

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How To Stay Stressed


Although the De Anza Health Office long been an advocate of 
stress management, stress, tension, and burnout are still 
common complaints of students, faculty, and staff alike.  
On account of this, we have come to the following 
conclusion: YOU ALL WANT TO STAY STRESSED!  The 
following provides you with a few reasons why.

STRESS HELPS YOU SEEM IMPORTANT.     
Anyone as stressed as you must be working very hard and, 
therefore, is  probably doing something very crucial.

IT HELPS YOU TO MAINTAIN PERSONAL DISTANCE AND AVOID INTIMACY.
Anyone as busy as you are certainly can't be expected to form 
emotional attachments to anyone.  And let's face it, you're 
not much fun to be around anyway.

IT HELPS YOU AVOID RESPONSIBILITIES. 
Obviously you're too stressed to be given any more work. This 
gets you off the hook for all the mundane chores; let someone 
else take care of them.

IT GIVES YOU A CHEMICAL RUSH. 
Stress might be considered a cheap thrill, and you can give 
yourself a "hit" anytime you choose.  But be careful, you might 
get addicted to your own adrenaline.

IT HELPS YOU AVOID SUCCESS.
Why risk being "successful" when by simply staying stressed you 
can avoid all of that?  Stress can keep your performance level 
low enough that success won't ever be a threat. 

STRESS ALSO LETS YOU KEEP YOUR AUTHORITARIAN MANAGEMENT STYLE.
The authoritarian style of "Just dowhat I say!" is generally 
permissi-ble under crisis conditions.  If you maintain a 
permanently stressed crisis atmosphere, you can justify an 
authoritarian style all the time.

Are you worried now about how to stay stressed?  You'll have no 
trouble if you practice the following clinically proven methods:

NEVER EXERCISE.
Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.

EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT.
Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a balanced diet 
isn't likely to.

GAIN WEIGHT.
Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended weight.

TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS.
The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will 
continue to do the job just fine.

AVOID "WOO-WOO" PRACTICES. 
Ignore the evidence suggesting that meditation, yoga, deep 
breathing, and/or mental imaging help to reduce stress.  The 
Protestant work ethic is good for everyone, Protestant or 
not.

GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM.
Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that
concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you
never have time.  If a few people persist in trying to be your
friend, avoid them.

PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM.
Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, 
house, or car is mounting a personal attack.  Don't take time to
listen, be offended, then return the attack!

THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. 
Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn't be 
treated as one.

MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE - BE MACHO.  
Never ever ask for help, and if you want it done right, do it
yourself!

BECOME A WORKAHOLIC.
Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home 
evenings and weekends.  Keep reminding yourself that vacations
are for sissies.

DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS. 
Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get 
done and then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.

PROCRASTINATE. 
Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous
amount of stress.

WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL.
Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approching Ice
Age, you know, all the big issues.

BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS.
...and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, 
discouraged, and/or inadequate when you don't meet them."


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