HOUSE PREVENTS GAY DIVORCE

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HOUSE PREVENTS GAY DIVORCE


MY MARRIAGE has been threatened by a lot of things, including
arguments, marathon silences, raging hormones (mine), midlife crisis
(mine), dirty clothes piles (hers) and occasional failure (mine) to
wash the backs of plates.

My marriage has never been threatened by Bob wanting to marry Ted, or
Carol getting engaged to Alice.

Now, with the passage of the so-called "Defense of Marriage Act," the
House of Representatives has saved the battered institution of
heterosexual marriage. Let the marriage counselors of America, the
ones who aren't in Congress, join the unemployment lines.

If the bill passes the Senate, gay couples won't be able to share the
joys of government-sanctioned connubial bliss.  They'll have to decide
who takes out the garbage without benefit of marriage licenses.

Oh, yeah. And American civilization will be saved.

And now a word about some of the legislators who saved the institution
of marriage and America.

Rep. Bob Barr, R-Ga., the sponsor of the bill, declared on the floor
of Congress that "the flames of hedonism, the flames of narcissism,
the flames of self-centered morality are licking at the very
foundations of our society, the family unit."

Barr ought to know about family units because he's been married three
times. And he knows about the licking flames of hedonism too. He once
was caught licking whipped cream off the chests of two buxom women.

Of course, that's OK, because it was disgusting straight sex, not
disgusting gay sex. However, it was shockingly high in fat grams.

Then of course you have the speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich,
R-Ga., whose idea of traditional family values was to visit his
cancer-stricken first wife in the hospital to say he was leaving her.

*** Paying guys like this to defend marriage is like paying Bonnie and
Clyde to guard your bank. ***

That's what we're doing - paying meddling politicians to deal with
nonexistent problems. More precisely, to make problems.

They're trying to make problems for Bill Clinton, and turn him into
the best man of the gay marriage party. It's a desperation move by
Republicans saddled with a dud candidate for president. As Sen. Ted
Kennedy said, this should be called "The Defense of Endangered
Republicans Act."

President Clinton responded in true form, out of both sides of his
mouth.  He said he opposes discrimination against any group of
Americans, but will sign the bill because he "has long opposed gay
marriage."

Another guy whose advice on marriage we need.

The backers of the anti-gay marriage act say they're saving American
civilization - you know, the heterosexual civilization that brought us
Al and Peggy Bundy.

Rep. Steve Largent, R-Okla., who used to run around and get smacked in
the head by NFL free safeties, said, "No culture that has ever
embraced homosexuality has ever survived."

Steve, no culture has ever survived. They all decline and fall.
Homosexuality somehow stays with the human race, though.

Largent seems to have been referring to ancient Greek culture, as
represented by pederastic philosophers who live on in the Western
Civilization courses conservatives love so much.

So Greek culture doesn't live on? What was that Olympic flame all
about?  Think Greco-Roman wrestling, Steve.

For the first time, the federal government has tried to define
marriage.  Legislators who claim to favor states' rights, religious
freedoms and individual rights are overregulating intimate human
relationships.

The House has forbidden citizens to peaceably assemble as man and man
in their own bedrooms. The House that treasures the right to keep and
bear arms can't bear two women legally in each other's arms.

The problem with most Washington politicians is that they're so busy
boozing and bimboing that they've never seen a gay relationship.

They should do some field work in San Francisco, where the only normal
people on the average block are gay couples.

I live in a bungalow that was occupied for 45 years by two women,
easily the stablest relationship for a radius of three miles.

On my old block the two gay men next door were quiet, loving, neat and
owned a successful small business.

The other neighbors included a psychopathic heterosexual redneck
couple who kept a .357 Magnum stashed in their broken dishwasher, and
a zoned-out heterosexual hippie couple who grew pot in a house with so
many grow-lights it glowed like something from "The X-Files."

Everybody else was single and lonely.

Congress should ensure domestic tranquility, not prevent more perfect
unions. If they want to save marriage, they should pass a law
requiring that the backs of dishes shall always be washed.


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