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MY MARRIAGE has been threatened by a lot of things, including arguments, marathon silences, raging hormones (mine), midlife crisis (mine), dirty clothes piles (hers) and occasional failure (mine) to wash the backs of plates. My marriage has never been threatened by Bob wanting to marry Ted, or Carol getting engaged to Alice. Now, with the passage of the so-called "Defense of Marriage Act," the House of Representatives has saved the battered institution of heterosexual marriage. Let the marriage counselors of America, the ones who aren't in Congress, join the unemployment lines. If the bill passes the Senate, gay couples won't be able to share the joys of government-sanctioned connubial bliss. They'll have to decide who takes out the garbage without benefit of marriage licenses. Oh, yeah. And American civilization will be saved. And now a word about some of the legislators who saved the institution of marriage and America. Rep. Bob Barr, R-Ga., the sponsor of the bill, declared on the floor of Congress that "the flames of hedonism, the flames of narcissism, the flames of self-centered morality are licking at the very foundations of our society, the family unit." Barr ought to know about family units because he's been married three times. And he knows about the licking flames of hedonism too. He once was caught licking whipped cream off the chests of two buxom women. Of course, that's OK, because it was disgusting straight sex, not disgusting gay sex. However, it was shockingly high in fat grams. Then of course you have the speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich, R-Ga., whose idea of traditional family values was to visit his cancer-stricken first wife in the hospital to say he was leaving her. *** Paying guys like this to defend marriage is like paying Bonnie and Clyde to guard your bank. *** That's what we're doing - paying meddling politicians to deal with nonexistent problems. More precisely, to make problems. They're trying to make problems for Bill Clinton, and turn him into the best man of the gay marriage party. It's a desperation move by Republicans saddled with a dud candidate for president. As Sen. Ted Kennedy said, this should be called "The Defense of Endangered Republicans Act." President Clinton responded in true form, out of both sides of his mouth. He said he opposes discrimination against any group of Americans, but will sign the bill because he "has long opposed gay marriage." Another guy whose advice on marriage we need. The backers of the anti-gay marriage act say they're saving American civilization - you know, the heterosexual civilization that brought us Al and Peggy Bundy. Rep. Steve Largent, R-Okla., who used to run around and get smacked in the head by NFL free safeties, said, "No culture that has ever embraced homosexuality has ever survived." Steve, no culture has ever survived. They all decline and fall. Homosexuality somehow stays with the human race, though. Largent seems to have been referring to ancient Greek culture, as represented by pederastic philosophers who live on in the Western Civilization courses conservatives love so much. So Greek culture doesn't live on? What was that Olympic flame all about? Think Greco-Roman wrestling, Steve. For the first time, the federal government has tried to define marriage. Legislators who claim to favor states' rights, religious freedoms and individual rights are overregulating intimate human relationships. The House has forbidden citizens to peaceably assemble as man and man in their own bedrooms. The House that treasures the right to keep and bear arms can't bear two women legally in each other's arms. The problem with most Washington politicians is that they're so busy boozing and bimboing that they've never seen a gay relationship. They should do some field work in San Francisco, where the only normal people on the average block are gay couples. I live in a bungalow that was occupied for 45 years by two women, easily the stablest relationship for a radius of three miles. On my old block the two gay men next door were quiet, loving, neat and owned a successful small business. The other neighbors included a psychopathic heterosexual redneck couple who kept a .357 Magnum stashed in their broken dishwasher, and a zoned-out heterosexual hippie couple who grew pot in a house with so many grow-lights it glowed like something from "The X-Files." Everybody else was single and lonely. Congress should ensure domestic tranquility, not prevent more perfect unions. If they want to save marriage, they should pass a law requiring that the backs of dishes shall always be washed.
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Entered on: 05/08/1998
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Copy and paste this into an email to a friend. We can make it easy for you. Mail it off with the Netscrap(TM) MailTool. THE SAN FRANCISCO EXAMINER P. O. Box 7260 San Francisco, CA 94120 FAX: 415-512-1264 E-MAIL: sfexaminer@aol.com Sunday, July 14, 1996 ROB MORSE COLUMN

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