If Computer Companies made toasters...

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If Computer Companies made toasters...


If IBM made toasters...
   They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be
   submitted for overnight toasting.
   IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters...
   You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get
   lighter and lighter.
   The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters...
   The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it.
   Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If University of Waterloo made toasters...
   They would immediately spin off a company called WatToast.

If ParcPlace made toasters...
   Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.
     
If Oracle made toasters...
   They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles
   of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine
   was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years 
away,
   and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters...
   The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa
   Java.

Does DEC still make toasters?...
   They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?

If Tandem made toasters...     
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a
   piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.
   (editor: I think a Tandem employee added this one...)

If Thinking Machines made toasters...
   You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
     
If Cray made toasters...
   They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other
   single-slice toaster in the world.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
   It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every
   morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it.  Their service
   department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints
   for the box would be highly classified government documents. The 
X-Files
   would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters...
   Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could
   access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of
   national security.

If Sony made toasters...
   The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of
   bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your
   belt.

If Timex made toasters...
   They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that
   take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters...
   "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast
   the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
   Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of
   your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

If CostCo made toasters...
   They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.

And, of course:
If Microsoft made toasters...
   Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a
   toaster.  You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still
   have to pay for it anyway.  Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence
   requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to
   power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would
   claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark
   you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other
   appliances to find out who made them.  Everyone would hate Microsoft
   toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread
   only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters...
   It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years
   earlier.


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