melt in your mouth, not in your hand

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melt in your mouth, not in your hand


Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue 
the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.  To this end, I 
hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure,
squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That 
is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately.  The winner gets 
to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, 
and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior.  I have hypothesized 
that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre 
of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or 
pointier, or flatter than the rest.  Almost invariably this proves to 
be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra 
strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its 
environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest 
of the herd.  Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I 
pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of 
Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card 
reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a 
free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money."  I 
have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament.  From a field 
of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.


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