More One-liners

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More One-liners


I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The
girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
Jay Leno

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By the second
day you're off it.
Jackie Gleason

Never raise your hands to your kids.  It leaves your groin unprotected.
Red Buttons

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed?  Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlin

You have to stay in shape.  My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60.  She's 97 today and we don't know where the
hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres

I'm not into working out.  My philosophy:  No pain, no pain.
Carol Leifer

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't.  So I grew hair
under my arms instead.
Sue Kolinsky

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not
caught dead in otherwise.
Roger Simon

You have a cough?  Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow
you'll be afraid to cough.
Pearl Williams

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.  Donate it to the
Salvation Army instead.  They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next
morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
William Coronel

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank
robbery has just taken place.
Johnny Carson

Never moon a werewolf.
Mike Binder

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
candlelight.
George Gobel


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