Seinfeld's Pearls Of Wisdom

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Seinfeld's Pearls Of Wisdom


ON DATING:
Dating is pressure and tension.  What is a date, really, but a
job interview that lasts all night?  The only difference between
a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is
there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

"Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the job.  Why
don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be
working with?"

What would the world be like if people said whatever they were
thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them?  How long would
a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think.  "Oh, sorry, your
rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See
you later."

ON SEX:
Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually,
is that men are like firemen.  To men, sex is an emergency, and
no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes.
Women, on the other hand, are like fire.  They're very exciting,
but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

Men and women all in all, behave just like our basic sexual
elements.  If you watch single men on a weekend night they really
act very much like sperm -- all disorganized, bumping into their
friends, swimming in the wrong direction.  "I was first."  "Let
me through."  "You're on my tail."  "That's my spot." They're
like the Three Billion Stooges.  But the egg is very cool:
"Well, who's it going to be?  I can divide.  "I can wait a month.
I'm  not swimming anywhere."

THE RELATIONSHIP:
Why is commitment such a big problem for a man?  I think that for
some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the
woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off
there.  He wants to keep driving.  And the woman is like, "Look,
gas, food, lodging, that's our  exit, that's everything we need
to be happy...  Get off here, now!"  But the man is focusing on
sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles," and he thinks,
"I can make it."  Sometimes he can, sometimes he can't.
Sometimes, the car ends up on the side of the road, hood up and
smoke  pouring out of the engine.  He's sitting on the curb all
alone, "I guess I didn't realize how many miles I was racking
up."

The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men
are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way.
That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful,
glowing bride and some guy.  The tuxedo is a wedding safety
device, created by women because they know that men are
undependable.  So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just
takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.

ON CLOTHES:
I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain.  Why
does moisture ruin leather?  Aren't cows outside a lot of the
time?  When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us
in!   We're all wearing leather! Open the door!  We're going to
ruin the whole outfit here!"

TRAVELING:
I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that
the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of
the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever."  I look
in the rear-view mirror, I can read the word "ambulance" behind
me.  Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're
going, you crash, you  need an ambulance.  I think they're trying
to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.

You know what I never get with the limo?  The tinted windows.  Is
that so people don't see you?  Yeah, what a better way not to
have people notice  you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a
TV antenna and a uniformed driver.  How discreet.   Nobody cares
who's in the limo.  You see a limo go by, you know it's either
some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

Are there keys to a plane?  Maybe that's what those delays are
sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate.   Maybe
the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't
believe this.  Dammit...  I did it again."  They tell you it's
something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A.
system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on
the ground for a while.  I uh...  Oh, God this is so
embarrassing...  I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment.
 They're in this big ashtray by the front door.  I'm sorry, I'll
run back and get them."

You can measure distance by time.  "How far away is it?"  "Oh
about 20 minutes."  But it doesn't work the other way.  "When do
you get off work?" "Around miles."

DEATH:
The Chalk Outline guy's got a good job. Not too dangerous, the
criminals are long gone.  I guess these are people who wanted to
be sketch artists but they couldn't draw very well.  "Uh, listen,
Jon, forget the sketches, do you think if we left the dead body
right there on the sidewalk you could manage to trace around it?"
 How does that help them solve the crime?  They look at the thing
on the ground, "Oh, his arm was like that when he hit the
pavement... the killer must have been... Jim."

THAT'S ODD:
I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into
these huge mirrors my mother put in.  Ever heard of this interior
design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an
entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and
goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there.  There's a
guy that looks just like me in there."  But the parakeet would
fall for this.  I'd let him out of his cage, he'd fly right into
the mirror.  And I'd always think, "Even if he thinks the mirror
 is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting
the other parakeet?"

Kids could always resolve any dispute by calling it.  One of them
will say, "I got the front seat."  "I want the front seat."  "I
called it." And the other kid has no recourse.  "He called it,
what can I do?"  If there was a kid court of law it holds up.
"You Honor, my client did ask for the front seat."  The judge
says, "Did he call it?"  "Well, no, he didn't call it..." He
bangs the gavel.   "Objection overruled.  He has to call it.
Case closed."


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