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Computer Professional's Words of Wisdom

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Computer Professional's Words of Wisdom
A co-worker asked me to gather some "real" people for a textbook about MS Office he's developing. He needs a picture of the "real" person and a quote about how he/she uses computer at work. WARNING: some of these are "in" jokes. Here's the ad: Do you want to have your picture in a college textbook and get free advertising for your company to boot? Then contact Richard at Course Technology (richard_XXXXXXX@course.com). What we are looking for: people who use a computer in the workplace What we need, a photo of you in your workplace doing something business-like AS WELL AS a one or two sentence description of how the computer helps you do it AND a one sentence description of your company. Your picture, job description, and company information will appear as the first page in a chapter of college textbook. Here are some of the quotes we came up with: "I'd lose my dick if it wasn't attached to me. The computer helps me remember stuff." "Good porno, great porno!" "With true multitasking, I can write my resume and a report for my boss at the same time!" "I like OLE, because I like spanish. And I like Antonio Banderas" "Microsoft Office? What's that?" "I spent two years learning the intimate details of desktop applications only to scrap all that knowledge and surf the net for the big-bucks. Don't waste your time, kid." "I'm good at computers, but I don't know what that button does." "I learned how to hold my pee for over 10 hours straight, until it burned." "Im so advanced I can download 3 doom wads AT THE SAME TIME" "Being connected to the net gives me a weath of knowledge at my fingertips, like Antonio Bandaras, cheese, and subarus." "Did your mother ever tell you not to sit so close to the TV? Since working with computers, I can now watch several hours of TV with the screen no more than 12 in away from my face. Its like watching the big screen, so screw you mom!" "Computers have made me much more productive. I mean, look at email? I no longer have to talk to anyone at work. In fact, I havent spoken a word to anyone in the office in 5 days" "I spent 80,000 and 4 years of my life working toward a B.A., while everything I needed to know I learned sucking on a cathode ray nipple sitting unshaven and in my underwear after 1AM." "I can attribute my success to working as a QA tester at CTI.... NOT." And my personal favorite: "My secret of success is always have your hand on the ALT-TAB" "The key to maximizing your productivity on computers is to always have Netscape running in the background. That way when you have a few seconds of down-time (i.e. you are waiting for someone to run off photocopies, a program is opening, or the white-out is drying) you can click a link." "PLANING, PLANING, PLANING. I cannot stress this enough. Prepare the night before, your goals for the next day and how to achieve them in a detailed and orderly manner. That way you will know at all times exactly what demo needs to be downloaded next." "Learn a scripting language so that you can write a program which will not only automatically open up netscape when start windows, but will also continue where it left off downloading each game in succession from HappyPuppy." "Two words...One Must Fall...wait a second..." "When a program crashes on someone elses computer, I like to go over and click the details button and then say, "Oh, that's a problem, you should get that checked out." and then quickly walk away." "I have a rather large collection of boot sector viruses, I like to store them on other peoples machines..." "I think that computers are most useful when programs are written that do the exact opposite of what they're supposed to. Like file backup programs that just delete the files its supposed to backup , and memory resident virus protection programs, that infect your machine with a new virus each day."
Happy Puppy ----- End NetScrap(TM) -----
Entered on: 03/18/1998
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