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Kids "do" Jack Handey

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Kids "do" Jack Handey
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. Age 10 When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. Age 5 I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. Age 13 I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. Age 3 I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. Age 4 I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? Age 5 Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" Age 5 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the President's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July or December 26, just for the long weekends. Age 8 As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. Age 7 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. Age 10 Home is where the house is. Age 6 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. Age 5 It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. Age 5 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. Age 3 The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd that I drive without pants. Age 5 I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. Age 3 For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Age 6 Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! Age 6 The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" Age 5 Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? Age 5 I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. Age 5 I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. Age 5 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. Age 5
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Entered on: 05/19/1998
Send it: Allegedly perpetrated by:
Copy and paste this into an email to a friend. We can make it easy for you. Mail it off with the Netscrap(TM) MailTool. From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."

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